One month down and a lifetime to go.
Today I celebrate 30 days of sobriety. Yay! Thirty days isn’t that long, and maybe not that important, in the story of a whole life, but these thirty days have changed the plot of my story forever.
One month ago I had just finished a two-day stumble off my road to sobriety. I have no good reason for the lapse. I just wanted to drink, so I drank and didn’t think too much about it.
That is always my downfall – the doing and not thinking. If I had stopped to think about whether I should drink or would it be smarter to protect the two months of sobriety I had, I probably would have realized that not drinking was the best choice.
But thinking would have ruined all my FUN. You know, all that fun that isn’t really fun at all and we know it’s not fun but we pretend it is fun so we can keep having all that non-fun and justify it to ourselves. Oh the circular, nonsensical thinking of someone intent on destruction!
I’m so tired of all that. The non-fun and the crazy compartments in my head that keep everything nice and hidden and shut up tight where I need them to be.
This month I’ve been more intentional about my choices and my struggles. I’m taking the time to stop and think and feel and be.
If I’m having a craving, I stop and remind myself that it will pass.
I tell myself that this feeling is a craving. Don’t react. Just sit with it awhile and see it for what it is and what it is not. Don’t be fooled and don’t be misled.
A craving doesn’t signal the time to drink. A craving signals a craving. A temporary craving that will be gone before long and need not derail me.
If I’m feeling out of sorts, I stop and try to hear what my body and mind are telling me. Am I tired, hungry, overwhelmed, stressed, sad, mad? Something is off and that something is what I need to address. That something is never that I need wine.
This may be shocking but I have not found one time in the last month where wine would fix what I was feeling. Not one. Wine might have held my hand through the something and made me forget about it for awhile. But fix it? Nope.
Wine is the Seen On TV gadget you watch an infomercial for at 3 am and must have and have it now. You buy this amazing gadget because you are positive it will perfectly peel that hard boiled egg, cut through steel, give you thinner thighs, help you sing like a pop star, defuzz your legs and your dog, or permanently seal a hole the size of Rhode Island.
You’ll soon learn that this gadget was a waste of time and money. It can’t really do any of those things it promised and it might make things worse. Actually, when it comes to me and wine, it will make things worse without question.
So I’m turning off the infomercial (not really because unlike when I was drinking, I’m sound asleep at 3 am now!) and I’m no longer believing in all the wonderful, glorious, amazing things wine can do for me. I don’t need it. I never did.
I’ll peel my own eggs. I already own quality knives. Exercise will help my thighs, I don’t necessarily want to sing like some of these pop stars, my legs are fine and so is my dog, and I have no holes to fill at the moment. Well, no literal holes.
So, wine, I don’t need you. I never did and I see that more clearly every day.
One month down and a lifetime to go. And I’m good with that. Very, very good.
On this 30th day of my new life, I spent some time in Psalms. God always points us to what we need and today He gave me the 30th Psalm. As always, God knew what I needed.
A psalm. A song. For the dedication of the temple. Of David.
1 I will exalt you, Lord,
for you lifted me out of the depths
and did not let my enemies gloat over me.
2 Lord my God, I called to you for help,
and you healed me.
3 You, Lord, brought me up from the realm of the dead;
you spared me from going down to the pit.
4 Sing the praises of the Lord, you his faithful people;
praise his holy name.
5 For his anger lasts only a moment,
but his favor lasts a lifetime;
weeping may stay for the night,
but rejoicing comes in the morning.
6 When I felt secure, I said,
“I will never be shaken.”
7 Lord, when you favored me,
you made my royal mountain stand firm;
but when you hid your face,
I was dismayed.
8 To you, Lord, I called;
to the Lord I cried for mercy:
9 “What is gained if I am silenced,
if I go down to the pit?
Will the dust praise you?
Will it proclaim your faithfulness?
10 Hear, Lord, and be merciful to me;
Lord, be my help.”
11 You turned my wailing into dancing;
you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy,
12 that my heart may sing your praises and not be silent.
Lord my God, I will praise you forever.
I did call out to Him and He did answer. I called out for help and he healed me. He turned my wailing into dancing and clothed me with joy. Lord, let me be worthy of your love and your mercy.
I am sober by the grace of God and my heart sings His praises.